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| Everyone is always wrong
about
everything.
The weatherman
And his happy sunshines.
On days that rain.
Your innuendo
And offerings of grandeur
Served on a silver platter
Of careless smiles.
My heart skips a beat
For whispered promises
That get lost in the blowing wind.
The fairytales they feed you
When you are young...
It all gives way to empty lies.
Everyone is always wrong
about, everything.
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| So, I've been making more of an effort to keep in touch with old friends lately. It's been nice. I realize I'm a happier person when I get to talk and have human connection. It brings me some sort of peace and joy to hear about my friends' lives - what plans they have and where they are going. However, for a long time before, I felt almost envious listening to everyone else's plans - always wondering why my own life lacked such direction and excitment. In college, I was around people so much of the time because I was afraid of being hurt and let down so I scrambled around making new friends everywhere. That way, if I was ever let down by one friend, I'd always have another.
In retrospect, I realize it was a mistake to scramble and fret so. Friendship takes patience and commitment and investment. I regret not putting more of myself into a lot of the friendships I made in irvine, but am grateful for the few I've been able to keep and build on. I've learned so much the past year and a half since graduation...I realize that life has never been a competition...because at the end of the day, it's really just a race against yourself. You have to make your life what you want it to be and you need to keep your hope. I realize...that life is difficult and living hurts...adn it never stops being difficult and it never stops hurting. so, at the end of the day...all you really have is your family, your friends, and your hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
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| So, I've been thinking a lot about my identity, or lack thereof, lately. I think identity is fluid and is continuously changing and being refined. When I was younger my teachers always made three comments about me, that I was "quiet, shy, and nice". Over a decade later, I'm still apparently giving off that same impression and people who don't really know me keep calling me quiet and shy and nice and innocent (I hate that one the most).
For a long time I sort of internalized it and resented it and almost made it a self-fulfilling prophecy...defining myself as quiet, shy, and nice because everyone else did and thinking they were bad qualities, I went through a phase of trying to rebel against this quiet, shy, goody-goody image. In the end, I realized that I can be quiet, I can be shy, I can be a goody-goody, and I can be naive, but I can also be loud, I can step out of my shyness when I need to (in some situations), I can be a bitch, and I am not a silly little child who doesn't know any better. Regardless, none of those qualities define who I am as an integral individual, even though there will always be someone who will automatically write me off as just one of those shy asian girls by virtue of first impressions.
Anyway, my point is illustrated in IndiArie's song lyrics..."I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am not your expectations...".
Yeah, I know that was corny...I am ME, hear me roar. :)
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| So after almost two years, I've decided to pick up my xanga-ing. Actually, I wanted to journal earlier but I'd forgotten my password!! Fortunately enough I spontaneously remembered tonight :). Although I'm not sure what I wanna babble about tonight...I think I've had enough deep thoughts for a day so I'll leave it at this.
 Happy Dr. MLK Jr. Day!
"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."
From "Letter from Birmingham Jail," April 16, 1963
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Here's an interesting bit (from my more private journal, teehee) that I scribled down a little while back....thought I'd xanga-entry it...cuz it pertains to some "ish" that's been swimming around my mind as of late:
"June 19, 2004
There comes a point in your life when things are in such clear perspective…you wonder how it is you survived all that time through all the fog. Yet, how easily we sink back into uncertainty and doubt… I’ve finally realized…I mean truly realized that the only thing that gives meaning to this thing we call life…is the people. To realize that love…no matter how much it can make you hurt…is what makes each day livable…not how many awards you’ve won or accomplishments you’ve made or how likable you are by the crowds…not even the rare moments of “bliss” that you stumble across along the way. On a day to day basis…it all boils down to love…to understand the true meaning of love, love, love, love…"
~*~
Deliver Me
David Crowder Band
Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all of the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me
All of my life
I’ve been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You’re here
Now that I’ve found You
I know that You’re the One to pull me through
Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I’m bearing
Oh, deliver me
Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I’ve proved You o’er and o’er
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through Come pull me through | | |
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